Silent Echoes
by smartkid37
Summary: It's a day that the team will never forget. Every year they remember, each in their own private way. What makes this year different? - An NFA "Trip Down Memory Lane" Challenge Entry - Tag: Season 7 – Post "Obsession"
1. Chapter 1

**Co-Written by Shelbylou  
Thank you, Shelbylou, so much for your dedication and outstanding contribution to the success of this story.**

**TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE CHALLENGE**

* * *

**SILENT ECHOES**

This early in the morning, traffic is always extremely light and trouble-free, which makes it his favorite time of the day. Most days the chance to beat the rush of humanity in their race to begin their everyday maze running is enough of a reward for coming in this early. But today is different.

Today, it is especially important to hold on to the peace and quiet that this early morning solitude brings with it. After all, today is May 25th. It is the day of Remembrance.

Five Years. Five years ago today the world shifted and spun wildly off its' axis for each and every one of them on the team. There isn't a single of them that has not been deeply affected by the events of that day. The day one of them didn't come home. That was the day Agent Caitlyn Todd died. Killed in the line of duty on that fateful day, that tragedy forever changed their lives.

Every year on this day, he knows that all of them that knew Kate, as individuals take the time to recognize this day for what it is. And every year he does it too. This year, he feels inspired to do something different than he's done before. Now, he feels the need to do something more tangible and worth looking back on; over and over again, anytime he'll feel the need to take a breath and remember; although, it's highly unlikely he will ever forget; that she was taken from them because his own life was spared.

As Tim enters the squad room and carefully sets his backpack down in his desk chair, he unzips it completely and carefully takes out a hardcover book. To the ordinary passerby, it's a normal hardcover book that could house any story one would find in the local library. This book, however, is different. It's stiff and sleek with the feel of its newness and even its' pages haven't lost the noise or luxurious feel of the newly turned quality. Each page is empty save the lines that lie in wait for the words that will soon fill them with a purpose that only Tim has in mind. He's had this on his mind all week and is anxious to begin what he looks forward to and thinks of as his mission for the day; this day; no matter what else comes down the pike. After all, doing this on any other day just wouldn't be the same.

Setting everything else he brought with him, in its' place and looking to see how much time he has, Tim gets comfortable at his desk, his body adjusting in the chair until it feels just right, opens the book and begins to write. The words flow from the very depths of his heart and need to be expressed with the love, care and attention that they deserve. He's already searched deep and now has found that as he writes, the words that appear on the paper are the physical representations of his soul. He writes what matters most, leaving behind on the pages, his written testament of the echoes of Kate that still resound throughout his life today.

The ding of the elevator snaps him back from the abyss of writing to the exclusion of all activity or awareness of his surroundings. He quickly closes the book as he glances up and waits for the jovial bantering that can be hard coming in a steady stream from the corner, to materialize into his colleague and friend. Sure enough, Tony's voice gets louder and louder as he walks across the squad room and Tim nervously reacts out of instinct for his need for privacy in this matter by quickly stowing the book in his drawer, thinking more of getting it out of sight than of where he was placing it.

As he finishes closing the drawer, Tim stands to his feet in hopes of shifting any undue attention off what he has just done and says good morning to Tony. Smiling briefly at the older man, Tim sits back down and powers up his long dormant computer and dives into checking his emails. Intent on getting on with his day, Tim fails to see the look of concern that crosses Tony's face. It's only 06:45 and McGee's actions have already caught the attention of his more seasoned teammate and his legendary powers of observation

The Senior Field Agent has, in fact, noticed several things that are 'off' with Probie this morning; the first of which, is the book he was quickly - but not quickly enough - trying to hide as Tony came in. This is followed closely by the strangely sad, slightly haunted look in the younger man's eyes. Last, but by no means least, Tony has caught the unusual fact that Tim has obviously been here for a while and yet has only just now booted up his computer. The illogical order of things going on with his teammate this morning peaks Tony's curiosity and now encroaches upon the line that ventures on into concern. Before he can say anything, Tim speaks first.

"I have to go help Abby with this encryption that's stalling this case. It might take a while."

And just like that, he is gone from the squad room, and in the back elevator headed for the lab. In the blink of an eye, Tony has the squad room to himself. The only thing he has to keep him company is his work. Well, no; there's his work and then there's _Probie's Secret Book!_

Quicker than he realizes he's even done it, he reacts to his brain's nagging _Get the book. _And in the blink of an eye, before he can even think twice about what he's doing, it's done and the object of Tony's curiosity is in his hot little hands and he's sitting down in his chair with the surge of elation running through him and a matching smile on his face. With a sigh of contented gratification, Tony's mind celebrates. _Yes! I have the prize!_ His face remains lit up and with the biggest Cheshire cat grin, he opens the book - and feels his breath catch in his throat.

Gibbs had been standing in darkness at the balcony that over looked the squad room. He has been at work for a while, talking to the commander of a battleship in MTAC. Once they finished what they'd needed to do, he starts to make his way down but sees Tim move to his desk and pull out a book; with a sigh, he leans down and watches his youngest agent unpack his backpack, sit in his chair and shift slightly to get comfortable before bending over beginning to write in the book. The young man is writing steadily until Tony walks in.

The boss is still standing there watching carefully as his agents greet each other and Tim boots up his computer and gets busy working. Gibbs sees Tony watching his teammate and notices the concern that is soon etched across his Senior Field Agent's face. Still watching silently, the boss is now begins to wonder just what it is Tim has been writing all this time and why it would bring this look to Tony's face first thing in the morning.

It isn't long before Tim obviously receives an email from Abby, explains himself to his teammate and leaves the squad room. Gibbs watches as Tony does the expected; acts like a big kid and takes the book out to read; something that would have elicited a good head slap if he'd been down there, for now, Gibbs settles for shouting down…or at least opens his mouth to do so, until he sees his senior field agent's shoulders slump slightly and his eyes go wide while his mouth seems to drop at whatever it is he's reading. The boss decides to wait it out and stands there sipping his coffee slowly as Tony completes the trek to his desk and sits down in his chair to finish reading the book.


	2. Chapter 2

Tony feels the hot prickle of tears that threaten to fall at what he's discovered and is currently looking at. It's a beautiful idea and the fact that Tim has thought to do it makes his heart stutter with the deep emotions that suddenly wash over him. Tony flips the page back to the beginning and re-reads the poem that Tim has found and quoted, along with an obviously heartfelt introduction.

**DEDICATION**

**To someone who helped me out in more ways than anyone can ever imagine. Kate, your strength, compassion and friendship infused me with a sense of equilibrium and comfort that has never been forgotten. You were the stability that I needed and you gave me so much in the short time that I knew you; something that has stayed with me over the years and is still with me today.**

**There's a great quote from a Jazz musician that always makes me think of you, Kate, and the things that you taught me:**

"_**A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself." **_

**-Abraham Maslow**

**You will always be in my heart**

**I miss you  
Tim McGee**

_**ECHOES OF KATE**_

_**The echoes of yesterday whisper fondly to the soul  
they help build the life that we follow, they are the mold.**_

_**They tether us to the harsh realities that life has to show  
they make us feel loved, and help emotions flow**_

_**They are the memories of friends, forever lost in time  
they are as sweet and deep as the most exquisite wine**_

_**They are the stars that shine in the most darkest night  
they are the strength we have, they are our guiding light**_

_**They are a reminder of losses, on any tragic day  
they are the flickering flames that let us find our way**_

_**They are the arms that hold us, when tears freely flow  
they are the loved voices, on the wind that blows**_

_**They are the helping hand from the heavens above  
they are the purest hearts, on the wings of doves**_

_**They are the people we've lost; in days gone by  
they are the remembered days that make you fly**_

_**The echoes of yesterday whisper fondly to the soul  
they are the threads of life by which the bell tolls.**_

_**-Shelbylou  
**_

"_Hell Probie. Where do you find this stuff?"_ Tony shakes his head to try to fight the grief that has risen up within him and assaulted him suddenly; he turns his eyes back to the book with a sigh and carries on reading. The words jump off the page at him, almost blinding him with the sheer emotion that continue to roll through him as his mind truly registers exactly what it is he's holding in his hands; how precious the one thing that Tim has been trying to hide, truly is.

He's no longer feeling like the victor that has stolen first prize in his covert treasure hunt and lets the guilt wash over him. Tony now finds himself feeling unworthy to even be holding the treasure at all, especially given the day it is; the one day of the year that always pulls at their hearts, when they remember. _And he'd forgotten! _

This realization hits him like a punch to the gut. He had, until now, completely forgotten the significance of today and had gotten complacent with life's ruthless refusal to stop along the way for the fallen. As he reads on, he lets go of the worry for his teammate and grabs hold of the sense of awe at the younger man's continuing quest to pay tribute to their fallen teammate. Turning the page, he feels his breath hitch at the quote that's written there as an introduction to something much more personal.

"_**The echoes of our words are evermore repeated, and reflected along the ages. It is what man 'was that lives and acts after him. What he said sounds along the years like voices amid the mountain gorges; and what he did is repeated after him in ever-multi plying and never-ceasing reverberations."**_

_**Benefactors Or Malefactors**_

Tony smiles at the quote; it's just so….Tim, for lack of a better description. In his mind, he can see Tim seeing, relating to and loving the comment and knows that Tim would be able to see the underlying beauty that lies there. He traces the quote with his finger and continues reading down the page.

_**THE FIRST DAY I MET YOU**_

**It was a weird kind of day; the kind that left my mind reeling slightly. I was working at Norfolk, but caught a case that fell into your team's jurisdiction. It gave me the chance to work with the team that I have since grown to love over the years. It's strange thinking back to this now, but I find with every year that passes without you, makes me want to sit back on the anniversary of this day and think about the brief time I had with you.**

**I remember placing the phone call to Tony; God, I was so green back then. The case was gruesome to a fault, but you, Kate, didn't let it phase you. You were always strong. I was in awe of you**.

**The one thing that really sticks in my mind, is when Tony left me standing there guarding the crime scene. I can still remember his answer when I questioned what It was I had to do.**

"_**So I should stay here?"**_

"_**We'll get you relieved as soon as we can**_**." Tony seemed so sincere in that answer, but I didn't know how he operated so wasn't too sure how long he had planned. I gave the only answer I could at the time seeing as I was so new at it and at least for that case, under his sub-command. Even a newbie like me recognized that fact.**

"_**Okay." **_

**That was when you came over; sure I'd seen you during the day, but it was this meeting that really stood out in my mind. You didn't say a word to me; you just walked to the van, opened the door and put the tool box away before walking off with Tony. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I followed you quietly so I could hear what you were saying. The fact that you didn't see me still surprises me to this day**_**.**_

**You: "**_**Why are you making him stay here?"**_**  
Tony: **_**"Because I can."  
**_**You: **_**"That is a complete abuse of authority."  
**_**Tony: **_**"Lighten up. He's new. He expects to be abused. It goes with the territory."  
**_**You: **_**"This isn't pledge week at Sigma Chi, Tony."**_

**The fact that you defended me warmed my heart slightly and gave me an insight into the type of person you were. I felt safe and happy in the knowledge that you'd have my six, even if you were wary of the newbie.**

**For that, I thank you. I always meant to tell you that and I just wish I took the time to tell you that. I'm so, so sorry that I didn't; it's something that I will regret for the rest of my life**_**.  
**_

_**MY FUNNIEST MEMORY OF YOU**_

**I hate to say it, Kate. But hands down it has to be the time I accidently looked up your skirt. Wow, that was just one hell of a fluke; I mean, who knew you'd wear a skirt on that particular day.**

**I came to NCIS for something…I can't even remember what it is now. I overheard someone mention that the IT guys weren't coming to do the upgrade because of the union rules. The air con was broken that day and so they bailed. I knew I could do it so I decided to get on with it; no sense in waiting for something that was easily done, so I got busy taking care of it. I just figured that the sooner the upgrades were done, the easier it would be for you all and we all know how much we rely on our computers, right?**

**The heat was a killer. Your computer was the last one that needed doing in our team so I tried to rush knowing it wouldn't be long before you came in. I wasn't wrong and heard you arrive; the banter between you and Tony had me smiling into the cables, especially seeing as he'd complained about it incessantly beforehand.**

**You**_**: "**__**Have you been working out?"  
**_**Tony:**_** "All summer long Thanks for finally noticing."  
**_**You:**_** "No, I mean right now, because you're sweating like a pig and it's not very attractive." **__**  
**_

**This was where you shrieked; I don't mind telling you, I nearly had a heart attack! I pushed my way out and was met with…..I'm sorry about this Kate, but you were wearing a skirt and it was unavoidable. I didn't know where to put my eyes! Looking back now, I can laugh at the embarrassment I felt and have to admit to feeling like that shy, new guy again. Every conversation has been etched into my mind; but I bet that doesn't surprise you at all. You always did think my brain was a computer**_**. **_

"_**Uh… morning, Agent Todd." **_**Was the only thing I could think of that morning because I had no idea what to say to you, I mean at the time I was desperately trying to look up at your face, but your skirt just kept getting in the way. **

**All you did was snap out a shocked**_** "McGee!" **_**And now I understand that you must have been as embarrassed as I was at the time. Do you remember how long you gave me? I do. Two seconds; there was no way I could explain in that amount of time and you cut me dead mid sentence before grabbing my ear and pulling me out. I swear, my ear was red for the rest of the day. ****  
**_**  
To make matters worse, Gibbs saw what happened and even asked Tony if he saw what he thought he did. Hell, he even agreed that it was disturbing…that was until he ordered Tony to put his shirt back on. The contractors Union sure had a lot to answer for that day.**_

**I remember Gibbs asking me what I was still doing here and then asking me why I was crawling about on the floor and when he asked me where I thought it was going to lead me, I was confused until he said "promotion" and told me to ask Tony for help. That was one thing that struck fear into my heart because I hadn't seen Tony even stop foot near a keyboard yet; I have no idea what he'd do to the network. I told the boss that I could do it and when Tony gave his smug reply of**_** "Good answer", **_**you told me not to let him intimidate me because that was your job**_** 'today'.**_

**You know what the irony is? We found ourselves in that exact same position later on in the day when we had to get into that missing wife and little girl's house. One minute we were talking about how we were going to get in and the next you were on my shoulders telling me to hold you steady. I can still hear you shouting down instructions**_**:**_

"_**Okay, go left. No, my left, your right! McGee, what are you doing?"**_

**The real problem was of course, I had my eyes closed just to avoid another situation of having to look up our skirt. You knew that of course and told me to open them before I killed us both. It was strange, because your advice at that moment has got me through ever since. You basically told me that I had to learn to see when people are kidding with me; something that I had to get over if I was going to work with Gibbs.**

**For that I thank you.**

_**WHAT I REMEMBER MOST ABOUT THE DAY WE LOST YOU**_

**That day was the worst day of my life. I don't know what happened, but I remember the gunshots and moving to hide behind the car. I literally dodged the bullet that day Kate; it should never have been you. When I look back now, I can still see the hole that the bullet made in that car right where my head had just been. It frightens me thinking about how close I came but there's still a small part of me that wishes that it had been me and your life had been spared.**

**I can still hear the conversation from the first hit you took and it wasn't until later that I found out about you diving in front of Gibbs and taking a slug in the vest. You were always the brave one; the one that would give selflessly. I guess it could have been instinctual as well, I mean you were in the secret service protecting the president; this time you were protecting your friends.**

**Tony:**_** "Kate?" **_**There was a long pause here, too long a pause and I held my breath, waiting for the answer**_**. "Are you okay?"**_

**Then, it was as if someone had heard my prayers and your sweet, sweet voice sounded over the radio. It was then and only then, that I could actually breathe**_**.**_

_**You: "Ow. I just got shot at point blank range, DiNozzo. What do you think?"  
**__**Tony: "You're not going to be going to Pilates class tomorrow?"**_

**That comment, that one stupid, idiotic comment let me know that you were alright and hadn't been seriously hurt. I mean, even Tony doesn't joke like that when things are serious**_._

_**Gibbs: "Protection detail's over, Kate."**_

**Gibbs! His comment about protection detail being over was a good one, had I known then what I know now, then I would go back and put you on the protection detail; you were Ari's final target, after all. I wish I could turn back the clocks and take you somewhere safe; somewhere that meant that that terrible day didn't happen.**

**That's when it happened, I can remember you all talking and then…..**

_**Tony: "You did good."  
**__**Gibbs: "For once, DiNozzo is right."**_

**And then your last words, the last thing that you ever said. **

"_**Wow, I thought I'd die before I ever…"**_

**You never did get to finish that sentence, Kate. I heard a gunshot crack and then, there was nothing. You were gone. I heard Tony and Gibbs, but at that moment my world caved in and left me feeling hollow. Their words buzzed in my ear, but I couldn't hear them; I couldn't focus on them. All I could focus on was the fact that someone shouted your name and said you were gone.**

**It's hard, because I know that the memories of what happened still haunt Tony and Gibbs. They saw it, Kate, they watched you die and whilst I'm glad I didn't get that memory to cast shadows over my memories of you; I still dream about it sometimes. It's my imagination that runs wild and I can't stop imagining you laying there on that roof top every time I think of you.**

**When we got back, the change in Gibbs was un-nerving. He was being..nice..for lack of a better word. Tony wasn't still right and his bought with the plague left him under par. Gibbs saw this and told him to get out of his wet clothes. Kate, you would have been proud of him. He was still sick, and yet he didn't give up; still looked for Ari's sniper nest. We found it and by the time we made it back to NCIS it was dark, cold and raining. It was almost as if the sun knew you had gone and had died for that day.**

**We found his brass. Lapua 308's; they were just sitting there as if to bait us. He didn't police them, just left them where they lay. We took them to Gibbs and your death had shaken him, Kate. He'd lost more than just an agent that day. We gave him the bullets and I couldn't stop the words as they tumbled out of my mouth, I couldn't help but tell him what they were. You know what he said, when I told him I didn't mean he couldn't see what they were? He said:**

"_**I can't, without my glasses." **_

**It was said with a shrug; not a head slap or a 'ya think'. No, a shrug and agreement. That wasn't expected at all. We stood there talking about the bullets and Gibbs mentioned the full metal jackets. I didn't know how he knew so asked Tony…something I'll always regret. That was the point where Tony lost it slightly and explained everything in all its' gore**_**.**_

_**Me: "How's he know it's a full metal jacket?"**_

_**The question was answered by Tony, with another question "You didn't see Kate?" **_

_**I'm sorry Kate, but I didn't want to see you like that, I just couldn't. **_

_**Tony: "Her head was intact." **_

_**I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting…..Hell, I don't know what I was expecting.**_

_**Me: "So….she didn't look bad?"**_

_**That was the kicker, the kind of question that was guaranteed to get the wind knocked out of me. **_

_**Tony: "No. Not, not at all Probie. In fact, a little mortuary putty right here…" That's when Tony tapped my forehead "and she'll be as good as new. Course, she was having a bad hair day, though, right back here, 'cause a full metal jacket'll put a hole the size of a grapefruit right about there." **_**He said in a weird uptight tone of voice as he smacked the back of my head for emphasis of his point.**

**I didn't know, how was I supposed to? I just stood there looking the idiot and picturing what Tony had told me. All I could say to him was**_** "Tony, please." Pathetic, huh? **_

**Tony apologized and called me kid before the boss carried on.**

**But the moment that has continued to haunt me and will forever haunt me the most from that night, is Tony asking Gibbs**_** "Why didn't he shoot McGee?"**_

**The fact that he did shoot at me first, brought a tremendous stab of pain to my heart when Tony's words connected with those memories and the truth that could not be erased or done differently, you were gone because of it and I was not. **

**It's not something I've ever forgotten. It is also something I've never stopped trying to make up for; to you, Kate. By living life the way you would have, to the fullest, without hurting anyone else to get ahead. It was by your example that I learned that it was okay to stand up for myself, to Tony, and to Gibbs, as well as be true to myself no matter how hard or unpleasant others around me made life for me because of it.**

**It is because I owe you the respect of never giving up on myself, that I have never given up on this job. You showed me that it was possible to balance the crap with the good. And because you showed me how, I have not only learned how, but learned it well.**

**Thank you for that.**

**Kate, I miss you. You have no idea how much and every year, on this day I have been down at the cemetery laying 3 roses; each holding a different meaning.**

**Black – means not just death. It also means farewell. **

**Farewell Kate – every year I say that and yet find myself drawn to you again and again. I just can't seem to say those words out loud, I can't let go completely. You deserve more than that.**

**Dark Pink – Means gratitude and is a way of saying thanks.**

**Thank you Kate – I live every day to earn the life I was given on the day yours was taken away. You gave me so much in the short time I knew you and for that I thank you.**

**Peach – means so many things; Sincerity, gratitude, appreciation, modesty, admiration and sympathy.**

**All of those apply to you. Every single one of them.**

**The ones from me are always bound the same way; with a black ribbon tied perfectly around the stems. I don't know whether you know this, but the florist always asks me whether I want the leaves stripped. I always say no because leaving the leaves on means hope, and I hope that one day I can be half the person that you were.**

_**HOW YOU IMPACTED ME THE MOST**_

**Your compassion, pure and simple. When Erin Kendall was murdered on my watch, your compassion saved me from myself. I never got the chance to thank you for that…another thing I never got to do. **

**Your compassion balanced everyone else's indifference and overzealous quest to 'toughen me up" Even after you were gone, I held tight to the memory of your never ending compassion**

**I always try to remember you for who you were, not what you became and i****n a way, I know that your memory is alive within me and for that I am grateful. I will not forget and I will never let anything taint those memories.**

**Goodbye Kate**

**Tim McGee**

**"The existence of ours is as transient as autumn clouds".**

**- Buddha**

As he reads the last words of Tim's tribute to Kate, Tony's own soul urges him to join in. Without further thought or care to what he's supposed to be doing, Tony adjusts his posture in his chair, getting comfortable, turns to a blank page and begins to write.

Gibbs has remained frozen in place as he watched Tony ready through Tim's book. It is with a sense of quiet acceptance that the boss sees Tony, seemingly without hesitation, begin to write in the same book, as soon as he has finished reading what Tim wrote. Thinking he knows what's going on with his agents, Gibbs leaves them to it, for just a little bit longer as he heads out for a refill of coffee, but silently vows to reign this back in before too long. After all, he's never fogotten the importance of this day either, but there is still work to be done, no matter what day it is.


	3. Chapter 3

Tony picks his pen back up and sits there for a thoughtful minute. Finally, a few minutes later, feeling inspired by Tim's words, he puts his pen back down to the page. Writing from his heart, he pours his memories and his soul onto the blank page of the book as he writes with conviction. Tony is surprised by the fact that the more he writes, the better he feels. He smiles at the renewed confidence he feels in the realization that even though he's stopped memorializing Kate on this day, he has never forgotten her or the difference she has made in his life.

It is a great relief to be able to sit down and express himself on paper and for a split second, he fully understands how liberating Tim must feel when he sat in front of his typewriter. The words flow and with every pass of the pen, he thinks about how the echoes Kate has left behind in his own life, still resound as clearly as the sound of her voice. With a small smile, it crosses his mind that his thoughts on that seem to resemble Tim's written thoughts, but, he knows it can't be helped. The truth is the truth.

"Good morning, Tony." Ziva says as she settles into her desk chair and boots up her computer.

"Morning, Ziva." Tony answers distractedly, his mind still on what he's writing.

Ziva notices that Tony is not quite himself and frowns in his direction.

"Tony, is everything all right?"

"What? Oh, yeah, everything's fine, Ziva." Tony's aloof tone emphasizes his denial of any problem.

His tone is unusually quiet and she seriously doubting the truth of his words, but she has no chance to speak on her thoughts as Gibbs enters the squad room and barks.

"DiNozzo!"

Tony's hand freezes on the page and he's glad he's finished anyway. "Boss?"

"C'mon, you're with me."

Gibbs leads the way to the elevator and Tony is left scrambling to hide the book under the stack of files on his desk and hurry to catch up before the elevator door closes and leaves him to take the stairs.

Ziva is concerned that something is wrong and has not missed Tony's desperate attempt to hide what he was writing in. She quickly heads over to his desk to investigate and finds the book nestled underneath the mountain of paperwork that covers the man's desk. As she picks up the book, she quickly opens it to the first page and feels her breath catch in her throat as she reads what's there. As she keeps going, she comes to the point where the writer has changed not only penmanship, but writing style. It doesn't take her long to realize, that this is where Tony has picked up and let his own soul out onto the pages.

_**In Memory of Kate**_

_**Unaware of echoes stirring their cosmic brew  
My mind reaches out to those lost souls we once knew….  
…These lost souls gave each a memory and a reason. **_

_**- **__**Denzie**__** -"Chambers Road"**_

_**It is easier to leave, than to be left behind..."**_

_**- R.E.M. "Leaving New York"**_

_**FIRST TIME I MET YOU**_

_**The first time I met you was when we tried to get the pilot to take off in Air Force One. It was like a movie, the suave NCIS agents moving in to steal the president's plane. I remember walking down the stairs and interrupting Gibbs to tell him that the pilot wouldn't take off until…I think I called you the Secret Service chick, gave us the thumbs up. You just smirked at the boss and told him:**_

"_**I think that just made it my team."**_

_**You always were strong willed and if you knew Gibbs then, then there was no way you'd stand up to him the way you did; okay, Yeah, maybe you would. He told you that it just meant we were going to have to hijack the plane and asked me to escort you off the aircraft. Man, I can still hear your reply today:**_

"_**You are not serious. Wait!" that's when you chased him "Okay, okay! Your team, but only because I don't want to delay us further by having to shoot you."**_

_**It was that strength and character that I loved about you, Kate and I always knew that no matter what I threw at'cha, you'd give as good as you got.**_

_**MY FUNNIEST MEMORY OF YOU**_

_**My funniest moment…Jeez, hands down it has to be the day on the shooting range with Gibbs. At the time I was so damn worried about shooting my cap! I mean, It takes ages to break them in, right?**_

_**I remember thinking I'd won when Gibbs told you that you were holding back and to shoot with confidence. He told me I had nice grouping which of course, meant I had one over on you. He just told us that we were just getting started. That was when he took my cap; damn I loved that cap. You know it took me three months to break it in and it was just getting comfortable. Didn't feel too bad when he took your phone and taped it to the target. I still smile now when I remember the conversation we had when we walked back to the line.**_

"_**If we screw this up I have a suggestion." Oh you got my interest with that comment, Kate.**_

_**When I asked what, you simply said: **_

"_**We break into Gibbs' basement and we set his boat on fire." I still stand by the fact that it was cold and there was indeed, a reason why I liked you. I'll never forget telling you that I'd bring the lighter fluid once we'd emptied out clips. You told me it was a 'Deal'. Great time, Kate. One that I'll never forget.**_

_**Funnily enough, the same case, just later on in the day gave me a big insight into your sense of humour. It was so dry, but I loved it. You were funny. **_

"_**Access denied! And I was cleared for Air Force One."**_

_**Gibbs' reply to you was pretty off the cuff. You remember? He said "So was and Al Qaeda operative." I told you that Gibbs would get in because he had clearance that would let him see the dead aliens at Area 51. You, in your infinite wit, told me that it was "because he probably killed them."**_

_**But, we can never forget the war of the "College Days Photos" can we, Kate? How I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall with a camera to have captured the look on the boss' face when we both accidentally sent him our pictures, ya, know, when we both thought we were deleting them? Oh, those were the days…  
**_

_**WHAT I REMEMBER MOST ABOUT THE DAY WE LOST YOU**_

_**I remember feeling relief when that bullet lodged in your vest. Your witty reply told me you were alright; that you were alive. I was so thankful…not that I'd ever tell you that, of course. I knew you were safe and what you did by jumping in front of the boss was one of the bravest things I'd ever seen and I respected you a whole lot more for that.**_

_**I had no idea that we'd only get a few more minutes with you and when you went down…When you were shot; Kate, that was the worst moment of my life. You were lying there with your eyes open but I knew you were gone. There was no spark, no life in them. The bullet hit dead centre in your head; a kills shot. I knew it and the boss knew it. We both knew that we had just lost our team mate and our friend.**_

_**I know my movie quotes made you crazy, but I saw that spark in your eye. The one that said 'hey, you know what, you are irritating me, but it's just you.' I knew that there was something in you that loved the quotes; come on, you can't deny that.**_

_**Alfred Hitchcock once said 'The only way to get rid of my fears, is to make films about them."**_

_**The same can be said about me. I don't make films, but watching them and getting lost in the story they tell, helps me shake my fears; they help me get rid of the demons that the world leaves me with. It was a long time before the demons of that day left me and no matter what I do, they still kinda haunt me now. **_

_**Bye Kate….**_

'_**Here's looking at you kid.'**_

_**Tony**_

Ziva quickly puts the book back where she found it and returns to her desk so she can open her desk drawer; she pulls out a notebook full of empty writing pages and carefully rips several of them out at the seam. Getting comfortable in her chair, she begins to write and lets her mind sink into what she's doing by tuning out everything around her. It's almost twenty minutes later when her phone rings, pulling her from what she is writing. Luckily, she has finished. Ziva feels uneasy about walking over to the book and inserting her papers into it, but she does it anyway, even as she answers her phone as she walks.

"Ziva Da'vid."

"Ziva, get over to the Commander's office and track him down. I want his statement today." Gibbs barks through the phone. Strangely enough he doesn't sound very far away, but that thought is gone as quickly as it crosses her mind.

"Yes, Gibbs." She answers as she gears up and heads out; all thoughts of the book and her own contribution to it, now forgotten.

From the shadows of the squad room, Gibbs can't help but grin for a minute. He has ditched Tony in the evidence locker after giving him a bogus job to do so he will stay busy for at least an hour. When he returned to the edge of the squad room a few minutes ago, it was to find Ziva looking at that same book that his other agents had taken the time to write in earlier. It has touched him to see Ziva so affected by what she is reading, but obviously not feeling comfortable enough with her place in whatever's going on, to write in the book itself. Not wanting to be the bad guy in this just yet, he'd given her time to deal with it in her own way, and went after yet another refill of coffee. When he gets back, he feels the need to call a halt to her time with dealing with this, just as he' had done Tony earlier. Gibbs hates that he has to be the bad guy, but he needs them to keep this in perspective and get back to getting work done before things spiral out of control.

Abby is irritated and restless and the fact that McGee is extra quiet today doesn't help. The silence is hanging between them as they worked to break through the encryption levels and has driven her crazy to the point of needing a break from his company and hoping for company of a more animated quality.

She decides to go looking for Tony and walks towards the squad room in the hope that he is there. When she steps off the elevator, she finds the desks empty; something that only serves to drive her boredom and irritation to a higher level.

With a sigh of frustration, she plops down in Tony's chair so she can better see who comes off the elevator and carelessly lets her arms flail as she sinks into the seat. The motion sends the contents of Tony's desktop scattering to the floor, something that has her clamoring to pick them up as quickly as she can before she can land herself in any hot water over this carelessness. Haphazardly stacking the items back on Tony's desk, Abby fails to notice that the book stuffed among the case files is not secure within the stack and is soon losing the fight against the law of physics and hitting the floor once again. She is once again, finding it necessary to pick up the book from the floor. As she bends down at the waist once again, to pick it up; she notices that it has landed open and someone has stuck a piece of paper into it, ironically enough, in the page it has now opened to. The handwriting jumps up off the paper that had been inserted.

_**The Echoes of yesterday create the destiny of tomorrow **_

_**-AuraGem - The Dream Child**_

_**The past echoes the present**_

**Agent Todd:**

**The most unfortunate of circumstances shortened the life you got to live. Those same unfortunate circumstances allowed me to work with your team. It has been a privilege I have seriously attempted not to take for granted.**

**When I first joined this team. They were grieving. All of them. For you. For the loss of you. It was not easy working with your team without feeling like an imposter. After all, I am not you; but rather the family relation to the man who took you from them. It is a pain which no one can understand; except perhaps, you; who was targeted and taken at whim.**

**I have endeavored to look after your team, and watched as they looked after each other. All of them have done so with firm reminders of who you were in their lives. You have not been forgotten. They all still miss you.**

**I will always regret those unfortunate circumstances which took you away from this team , which is in itself a family, who loved you and in some way or another, will always mourn your loss. **

**But, to regret is also to say I did not appreciate the gift I was given as an end result of what happened that day. And that is something that I can not do. That gift; was membership to this family. It has become the most priceless gift I have ever received and I would not trade it for anything in the world;.**

**Although, I have no memories of you to recall and there have been precious few shared with me, given the peculiar position I have with the events that took you away; I did locate your sketch book. That work, obviously from your heart and soul, depicted this team so real and life-like; who they are, nearly jumped off the pages at me. I was very impressed and became aware that day; just how close this team who is family, really are. When I handed the precious book to Gibbs, he did not open it, at least not in front of me. That, too spoke volumes to me, of the way in which you touched their lives. All I have to offer in tribute to you; is this:**

**May you rest in peace knowing your team has never forgotten you or the difference you made in their lives.**

**Special Agent Ziva David.**

Abby skims through the book from the beginning and quickly realizes what it is that she's stumbled across. She picks up the book and hightails it down to her office with her heart in her mouth. She feels slightly guilty at taking this precious item that holds the thoughts and memories of her family and hopes that McGee is still lost in his computer world haze and won't notice her return. She gets her wish and makes it safely to the confines of her inner office and silently closes the door before locking it. She is aware that Tim can see straight in and puts up the a 'Do Not Disturb" sign that she uses when she just wants some "Abby time". This is highly atypical of Abby but she does not care and right at this moment, she only cares about being able to read what she has in her hands. She opens the book as she settles down in her chair and continues to read.

She had no idea that her guys still did this kind of memorializing; heck, she hasn't even given them any credit at all for giving any thought to it at all anymore. After all, five years is a long time and life usually either moves on or gets in the way by throwing millions of distractions down in front of you; almost as if to deliberately stop you from stopping and paying tribute to those who have been lost to you along the way. Abby knows that in her heart of hearts, she has always continued to remember Kate in her own private way. She even set up a glass display case in her lab, strictly for Kate's photos and things that remind her team of their fallen comrade.

But reading this book and the beautiful words that she has seen written here so far has been a shock and when her mind first registered exactly what she was seeing, she reacted without thinking. And so, here she is, reading the soul-searing emotion her guys still carry with them for their beloved Kate.


	4. Chapter 4

Tim is still sitting at the computer in the lab and can't help the frown that furrows his brow at the feeling that something is wrong. It's almost as if the air in the room has shifted and he gives into the need to check his surroundings. Sure enough, Abby is no longer at any of her work stations in this room, but is now sitting at her desk, engrossed in whatever it is she is reading. He notices the pen that is being rocked in her right hand and knows that she is getting ready to write something. It is the note on the door that worries Tim the most, that and the fact that her door is locked. He finds himself standing there for a moment before knocking on the door and calling out to her.

"Abby! You okay?"

"Yeah, Fine. Just need some alone time." Abby calls back with a distracted tone.

"Okay! I'm gonna go to lunch, you want me to bring you back something?"

"No, I'm fine. You go ahead."

As Tim heads out, his frown deepens and he sends up a silent prayer that all is well with the Lab Rat. Without any thought of anything other than getting Abby to eat something for lunch, Tim heads directly out of the building, through the parking garage. He quickly makes a run to the sandwich shop that is closest to the building and joins the ever-growing line of customers waiting to be served, thankful that he'd had enough sense to drive over, since he's gonna be here for while.

As Abby writes, she loses track of everything around her and no longer cares about who might come down and find her engrossed in this like this. She sits back and listens to her heart before she pours it all out on the inviting pages. She feels a sense of peace and contentment wash over her and smiles slightly as she begins to feel better with every stroke of her pen. She feels more in tune with Kate now and everything she's ever learned from the fallen agent and loved about her, resounds in her brain and makes it out onto the pages in one form or another.

Her growling stomach rouses her from her task and she suddenly realizes that she isn't just hungry; she's _weak as a kitten_ hungry and if that isn't' bad enough, her cell phone starts to ring shrilly on the desk startling her slightly. She reaches over and answers it.

"Abby Scuito."

"_Abby, come have lunch with me. I brought you back your favorite sandwich and I've gotten us an unreserved conference room. C'mon. you need the break."_ Tim gently urges her on. She feels the small smile tug at her lips and she lays the pen down carefully beside the book.

"I'll be right up."

"_C'mon, start walking while you're still talking about it or you'll just blow it off and go back to work._" Tim pushes. She doesn't miss the hint of amusement in his voice and she unconsciously shakes her head.

"Oh, all right." Abby gives in as she unlocks her door and heads out. She's just getting into the elevator while still talking with Tim and leans back listening to him whilst feeling relieved that his extra quiet mood seems to have lifted and she might actually enjoy having lunch with him.

Ducky enters Abby's lab in search of the report she was supposed to bring him two hours ago and starts to search through scattered papers on her desk, as she had advised him to do if she did indeed, forget to return it to him at the requested time. He pauses slightly when he finds the book laying there open and at first glance at the words as they seem to jump off the page at him, he feels the urge to sit and read what else is contained in the exposed pages. His eyes mist over at the words he sees on the written page.

_**In Memory of Kate: **_

_**Our echoes roll from soul to soul,  
And grow forever and forever. **_

_**-Alfred, Lord Tennyson – "The Princess"**_

_**FIRST TIME I WORKED WITH YOU**_

_**Aww Katie. The first time I worked with you after you joined the team, I just knew what great friends we'd be. It was almost as if we just clicked somehow and I wouldn't trade that friendship for anything in the world.**_

_**I remember you helping me prepare specimens so I could analyze some acid. We had fun, but I think you found me a little bit off the wall at times. I'll never forget the excited, impressed look on your face when I found out it was sulfuric acid; you remember what I told ya Katie….It would chew the shine of a trailer hitch.**_

_**It was funny, because you seemed genuinely comfortable with what I did. Most people are uncomfortable with the whole gothic bat chick style. Not you, you just asked me how I got into this and I remember giving you the dumbest answer ever.**_

"_**I filled out an application."**_

_**I mean, what the heck was that? You listened to me as I told you about the lot where they brought all the burned out hulks from the narliest car wrecks. It was never about gore or living up to the 'dark' side of Goth. It was always about figuring things out and understanding the actions and reactions and the science of the whole thing got me hooked. I asked what you wanted to do and you told me you wanted to be a lawyer. You even did a year in law school before discovering how boring it was and your love of guns. You packed heat, girl and when I asked to see them you asked me about my tattoos:**_

_**You: "Those your only tattoos?"**_

_**I couldn't resist.**_

_**Me: "You show me yours, I'll show you mine."**_

_**You just laughed and I knew at that moment that you accepted me. We had some good times Kate and I miss ya.**_

_**MY FUNNIEST MEMORY OF YOU**_

_**Oh hands down, it was the hat. You've gotta remember that, Kate. It was so funny. We really played McGee (and I still don't think he knows!).**_

_**I'd decorated these two paper hats I had lying around after setting up a clean room in the ballistics lab to work on the damaged video tapes. We decided to have some fun with them. You remember what was on them? I do. Mine had a skull and crossbones (of course) and your, I decorated with flowers. You should have seen everyone's faces from where I was standing, it was funny.**_

_**Anyway, I bet McGee that I couldn't get you to wear the hat. Little did he know we'd already made a deal and the money was split between the two of us…we were sneaky. I can still remember the conversation as if it was yesterday:**_

_**Me: "So Kate, you really like my hat?"**_

_**You: "Uh….It's different." You were such a good actress.**_

_**Me:" Cool, because I made you one!"**_

_**You: Abby, I don't know what to say. **__**  
**__**Me:" Put it on!" I was actually more excited than I let on. **_

_**Poor, McGee. His face was a picture when he admitted to betting twenty bucks. It was the easiest $10 I've ever made. **_

_**You know, you said it was a pleasure doing business with you….always Kate, it was always a pleasure doing business with you and being your friend. It was just so easy.**_

_**WHAT I LEARNED FROM YOU**_

_**I learned more than you can ever know. You know, You even have your own glass cabinet right down here in the lab, right? You taught me patience, compassion and serenity; things I never had before.**_

_**THE DAY YOU DIED**_

_**I'll never forget that call. The one from the bossman where he told me you had been shot…**_

"Doctor, Mallard, did you find it?" Jimmy's voice intrudes on Ducky's reading as it comes through the electronic device that sits on Abby's computer station, installed long ago to enable her to communicate more easily with whoever's in Autopsy and has been well used ever since.

"No, Mr. Palmer. I have not. Go on to lunch, dear boy."

"Okay. You want me to bring you back something?"

"Yes, that would be quite nice. Thank you, Mr. Palmer." Ducky's distracted tone is missed by his oblivious assistant.

"Okay. I'll be back in an hour."

"Very well, enjoy your lunch."

Ducky is so lost in his own memories that he sighs heavily before picking up the book and absent mindedly tucking it firmly under his arm. He is deeply engrossed in his thought by the time he punches the button for the elevator and steps in when it gets there. He rides it back down to autopsy, unmindful of the fact that he's removed the book and is currently holding onto it like it is some precious jewel that needs protecting. Once there, he sits down and becomes engrossed in what he's reading and finds a strange sense of serenity as he becomes more and more appreciative of the young people who make up Jethro's team and of what makes them the people they are inside.

The book and the spirit it's written in, as well as its' contents seem to fill him with the need to bare his soul by following suit and putting pen to paper. It isn't long before he's wielding his pen and using it to freely write about his feelings on the subject. He loses himself in his thoughts and before he realizes it, the autopsy doors have whooshed open and Jimmy is back once again, catching Ducky unawares and unprepared.

"Ah, Mr. Palmer, if you would be so kind as to take up with the inventory and tally of our supplies while I slip out and have a bit of lunch, that would be wonderful."

"Okay. I'll do that. Here's your lunch, Dr. Mallard."

"Thank you, young man. I shall be back in thirty minutes." Ducky answers as he takes the bagged food from the younger man and makes his escape before prickle of tears and the shine of moisture in his eyes, can be seen or asked about.


	5. Chapter 5

Jimmy is sitting at Ducky's small desk eating his sandwich whilst he reads through the inventory list that he's brought over to occupy his mind whilst he eats. He knows that they aren't short of anything because he's done this a couple of days ago; still, Dr. Mallard looked as though he needed some alone time just now and Jimmy's going to do what he is told and follow the orders that he's just been given. Over the years of working with Dr. Mallard, Jimmy has long since learned to recognize the difference between work that is essential and work that he calls 'busy work'. This is the latter and he generally knows that there is a reason why it's handed to him and he completely understands that sometimes, like now, it's apparently necessary to just stay out of the way of whatever's going on.

With a sigh, he stands up and puts the remainder of the sandwich in his mouth before reaching down to pick up the clipboard. He's already turning towards the cabinet and is oblivious to hardbound object that is nudged off the desk. A pang of curiosity shoots through him at the dull thud that he's heard and he turns around slowly, to see a book lying innocently on the floor. His head cocks as he moves back towards the desk and before he knows it, he's kneeling down to pick up the innocuous object.

Instead of putting the book back on the desk, he's intrigued to the point that it's going to kill him if he doesn't open it and look inside. It's not a story book; that much is obvious. So, he opens it and starts to read. He knows it's wrong and feels as though he's intruding on some deep, personal revelations that he really shouldn't be privy too. But he can't stop, feeling drawn in more and more by every word that he reads. His heart stutters slightly when he's at Ducky's page and he lowers himself into the chair that's there so he could read on.

'**I am a part of all that I have met.'**

**-Alfred Lord Tennyson**

**only the echoes of time,  
like ripples in the water,  
or a mother and a daughter,  
and the sun shining below,  
although it's out of sight,  
we know its shining through the night,  
but we don't know if it will last,  
although it's here today,  
today will turn into the past,  
and so we wait with hopeful minds,  
hope for a life eternal,  
for echoes we leave behind,  
echoes in time...the echoes of time...**

**- Adam**

**THE FIRST TIME I MET YOU CAITLIN**

**Ahh, my dear, the first time I met you was under rather unusual circumstances, was it not? It really didn't surprise me that you were a strong willed young secret service agent who protected the president. All I saw was a beautiful young woman who knew how to handle herself in any given situation. **

**I will admit that it was strange seeing you walking around so confidently. You never seemed to let anything faze you in any way; a trait that has been profoundly instilled into your team mates; well at times anyway.**

**I remember walking onto Air Force One and seeing Elmo, a dear friend from way back in the days, you know I do believe he was the one who….No, please forgive me, I am digressing once again. Anyway, Elmo asked me how I like the steaks he air-expressed to me. It is certainly a strange relationship that we have. I will admit it works very well, my dear. I heard Tobias asking you a rhetorical question that went something along the line of "He air-expressed him steaks?" You simply shrugged and told him it was a big state and "look how long it took him to get here." I'll admit to chuckling to myself at the memory even now and hope that you too, find the humor in the situation.**

**Oh how you argued about whose jurisdiction it was and the look on your faces were priceless when I told you it was my…I believe the term was 'T-Bone' and attempted to order everyone off the plane. Of course both you and Tobias argued and I let you both stay. I will admit it was a good choice and you gave me a lot of relevant help when I needed it. You always did have an eye for details and it showed. Of course it was that eye for the little details that caught us out that particular time and you stormed back onto the plane with your hand hovering over your weapon, and in no uncertain terms, told Gibbs that he wasn't an M.E.'s assistant; very astute, I must say. I was impressed further by the fact that you told us that there were no soft shelled crabs within a thousand miles. You were more than slightly affronted when you found out we were, in fact, NCIS and still argued about jurisdiction by pointing out that the poor boy that died was eating lunch with the president when he died, meaning it fell into your lap and not ours.**

**It was quite refreshing seeing someone standing up to Jethro the way you did both on that day and on various other occasions too. If my memory serves, my dear, there was a time discrepancy that we found, one that you were quite upset about and apologized to me. There was never any need to apologize to me; never.**

**There was something that was just so lovable about you and no matter what you could make me smile, Caitlin. From that first day, I could see what a wonderfully, beautiful person you were.**

**MY FUNNIEST MEMORY OF YOU, Caitlin**

**I am sorry to say, but it was that time in autopsy when young Anthony very nearly got himself blown up with the car. Sadly, it was one of the last days we had with you, my dear, the next day you were gone.**

**It wasn't an action, on the contrary, the scene was quite serious. But your Freudian slip was delightful and I have never forgotten it. It was a situation where our little friend decided to come back to work early whilst recovering from y-pestis. After the examination, you said:**

"_**Damn it, Tony. I should just take you home and get you in bed."**_** That was where you seemed to realize what you had just said and paused. The look on your face; Hmm, the look on Anthony's face, both were priceless.**

**You told us that you didn't mean it that way and I'm sure you didn't, but that little slip is something that still makes me smile to this very day, my dear.**

**I must say that almost as equally amusing was the occasion in which you and Anthony came to me for ahem, (marital counseling, shall we say?). Oh yes, your relationship with our young man was quite unique and at times was a source of amusement for everyone that saw it.**

**THE DAY WE LOST YOU**

**I shall always remember getting that phone call, my dear, dear Caitlin. It was one that all team leaders hate having to make and Jethro was no exception. I had never heard that tone in his voice before - guilt, disbelief, angst alongside a whole myriad of other emotions; some of which were all too familiar for him, as we now know, were ones that he last used when he lost Shannon and Kelly. I could tell that he was trying to push out the words that were necessary, but they were forced and I just knew as soon as I heard his greeting that one of his children had fallen. **

"_**Duck. Need you to come in." I remember this sounding so flat and defeated that at first I didn't recognize my old friend. That in itself told me that something was very, very wrong.  
**_

"_**Jethro, what's happened? Is everyone all right?"  
**_

"_**No, Duck. "  
**_

"_**Jethro?"  
**_

"_**It's Kate." Ahh Caitlin, those two words. The two little words that stopped the world. I still remember the harsh impact of shock and disbelief that held me in its clutches that night.  
**_

"_**In my suite?" I still wonder why you had to be taken; why you ended up my guest. It's something that I'll never be able to understand.  
**_

"_**Yeah, Duck."  
**_

"_**Oh, dear heavens!"**_

_**I remember driving to NCIS and walking into Autopsy with a ten-ton weight lying in the pit of my stomach. I walked in and hung my umbrella, coat and hat on the stand…that night was terrible. It was as if the unrelenting rain was caused by our grief at knowing you were gone… and walked over to the table upon which you had been laid. I didn't turn on the lights until after I'd gently unzipped your cocoon but somehow the light bought forth a realization that you were in fact, gone and were now my guest, as I had never wanted you to be. I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes and said the only thing I could through my constricted throat.**_

"_**Oh, Caitlin, I am so sorry." It wasn't much I'm afraid and didn't do my emotions justice, but the sight of you lying there, alive and well no more, tore at the very threads of my heart. **_

_**You know, Jethro told me I should have bought in another M.E. I had just finished your….Well, I had just finished and he walked into tell me that Ari had fired into Abigail's lab. I covered you up and pulled out the bottle of bourbon that I keep for situations that call for it and that's when he told me. He was gazing at you with sorrow in his eyes. I told him I couldn't. I don't know why, but I was compelled to do it and couldn't have a stranger looking upon you as merely another body on the slab. No, you deserved to be looked after by your family; rest assured, I treated you with the utmost respect, my dear, after all, you deserved to be treated like a delicate flower.**_

_**I don't know what else to say about that night. I apologize because the words have failed me. All I want you to know, Caitlin is that I miss you very, very much. You were an amazing, bright person who had the ability to shine.**_

_**Winston Churchill once said 'Although prepared for martyrdom, I prefer that it be postponed'. Alas, my dear, it wasn't postponed for you. I live every day, hoping and praying that all of my family come back to me safe and sound, though I know that you are watching over them and helping as much as you can.**_

_**"To a Scot, the past clings like sand to wet feet,**__**  
**__**and is carried about as a burden.**__**  
**__**The many ghosts are always a part of them, inescapable."**_

_**Geddes MacGregor**_

_**Good night and God bless, my dear, dear Caitlin.**_

Jimmy carefully closed the book and placed it on the table. The words make him feel as though he is once again, grieving for the person that he had so little time with. With a shake of his head, he put his glasses back on and opens the book. With a smile, he is picking up the pen and writing everything that is contained in his heart.

Tim is still sitting in the conference room after enjoying lunch with Abby, who has left the room with the intent of getting a fresh caf-pow. They had talked freely about things, but had somehow managed to skirt the topic of Kate. It was something that he is only now, thinking about as he clears up the remnants of their food and scoots them all into the trash. He finds it strange that the conversation never took that turn seeing as it's the anniversary of her death, but in all honesty, he knows that they will talk soon enough because that's just who Abby is; she needs to be able to vent her emotions.

He finds himself glancing around the conference room and is satisfied that it is as tidy as when they entered. He carries the trash can back over to its spot near the window and gazes out at the vista that is stretched before him. It's beautiful and from where he is standing, he can see the river. He starts to get lost in his own thoughts as he remembers the moments that he shared with Kate. His mind stutters on a memory that he thought was beautiful at the time; heck, it still is. With a small smile, Tim is talking to Kate as though she is there.

"_Hey Kate. You remember Corporal Ernie Yost? He was the medal of honor recipient that came to us and confessed to murder. I didn't believe it, none of us did and given the fact that he was such a sweet guy made it so much harder to believe that he was capable." Tim's unaware that his arms are crossed across his chest and stays in front of the windows, gazing without actually seeing._

"_I'll never forget the time he asked you whether or not you danced. You just smiled, and said 'yes, sure.'. He'd started off by asking whether we liked Benny Goodman. It was kinda funny because he said he liked Artie Shaw the best but he'd argued the point but it's each to their own. Yost moved forward and took your hand and pulled you in to dance. Do you remember the song? I do."_

Tim is so lost in his memories that he doesn't realize that he's actually started to sing the song.

"_When they begin the beguine  
__It brings back the sound of music so tender  
__It brings back a night of tropical splendor  
__It brings back a memory evergreen…"_

_Tim trails off when he feels a lone tear roll down his face and chuckles to himself. He can't believe how emotional he is getting right about now._

"_Wow. Look at me Kate, I'm standing here crying." Tim breaks off to wipe his face and is surprised to find that he is actually feeling better by standing there and talking to Kate. "Huh, I sure wish you could answer me right about now. I miss talking to you. Anyway, You started to dance with Yost and the atmosphere in the squad room seemed to shift. Even DiNozzo felt the haunting beauty of what you did by selflessly dancing with him. I know it got to you too and when you turned, you were crying. It was beautiful, elegant and heartwarming all at the same time. That was you Kate. That was just who you were."_

Tim was now standing there in silence letting the tears roll down his face. He is mildly surprised by the fact that, after all these years, he is still affected by Kate's death this way and makes a silent promise, that no matter what, he will continue to remember her and what she did for him.

Jimmy is still sitting at the desk when Ducky walks back into the room. He closes the book quickly and tucks it back under the clipboard.

"Mr. Palmer. How is the check going?"

"Good. I think we're fully stocked on everything." Jimmy watches Ducky's eyebrows rise at his comment and he hands over the clipboard. The fact that he has done this recently means he knows everything is ok and so he cheated and filled out the form without doing the job.

"Ah, yes. Very well. Can you run down to Abigail's lab and see whether or not she has those results for us yet please?"

"Of course Dr. Mallard."

Jimmy offers up a small smile and moves out of autopsy, leaving Ducky there to go about his business. As he walks through the doors, he hears the elevator ding and watches with a heavy heart at Gibbs strolls off with his coffee in hand.

"Palmer." Gibbs greets him with a short nod and steps out.

"Er, hi Agent Gibbs. I just need to…I've gotta…."

"Better get going then."

"Yeah." He walks into the elevator kicking himself for his nervousness everytime he see's Gibbs. He is still kicking himself as he punches the button on the elevator and sighs with relief as the door closes behind him.

"Duck." Gibbs is walking into autopsy when he calls out. It's something that has become force of habit over the past couple of weeks because as much as he hates to admit it, his friend has been elusive.

"Ah, Jethro. What can I do for you?"

"Dead Marine coming in. The LEO's already did the grunt work and are turning it over to us." He's watching Ducky's expression as the man nods solemnly.

"Have they done the autopsy?"

"Nope. That's where you come in. We got the call before it got that far. Need you to go meet them in the garage when they bring the body in."

"When?"

"Now."

Ducky shakes his head and heads out without another word, leaving Gibbs standing there in autopsy. Gibbs chuckles to himself and starts to turn to head back up to the Squad room. Just before he does, something catches his eye in the desk. With a curious frown, he is moving over, picks up the book and turns it over in his hands, recognizing it as the one his agents have been writing in all day. He draws in a deep breath and slowly lets it out before opening it and reading the first page….

_**DEDICATION**_

_**To someone who helped me out in more ways than anyone can ever imagine. Kate, your strength, compassion and friendship infused me with a sense of equilibrium and comfort that has never been forgotten. You were the stability that I needed and you gave me so much in the short time that I knew you; something that has stayed with me over the years and is still with me today.**_

_**There's a great quote from a Jazz musician that always makes me think of you, Kate, and the things that you taught me:**_

_"__**A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself."**_

_**-Abraham Maslow**_

He recognises the handwriting and smiles wanly at the dedication that his youngest agent has written. It's just like Tim to do something like this and yet, it somehow gives him a sense of peace knowing that his boy can be so thoughtful. He reads down further but is interrupted by his phone ringing.

"Yeah. Gibbs."

"_Jethro. I'm afraid this may take a little bit longer than we originally thought. The transport got into an accident when coming into the yard and the driver has been injured._

"How bad, Duck?"

"_Oh, not too bad. It looks as though he has suffered a concussion from where he impacted the steering wheel. I would like to stay with him until the EMT's come, just to be safe."_

"Sure thing, Duck. What about the body?"

"_I'm sure our young friend can wait for half an hour until the medics arrive. Can you send Mr. Palmer down if you see him, please? He can help."_

"Yeah. Okay."

Hanging up the phone, sits down in the chair and, with perfect symmetry to Jimmy's previous stance, he is sitting there reading the book and all the emotions and memories that it contains. Before he knows it, he has read through every entry that has been lovingly written and is reading Jimmy's short, but touching entry.

_**We all leave a mark on the world from our living, one that remains after we die. It is foolish to imagine that memories are inert, that the past is merely nostalgia. What happened before remains as surely as what is here now, and those who pay attention can see those marks and feel the life that infuses supposedly inanimate objects.**_

_**An excerpt from The Memories We Leave Behind, by Excaliber**_

_**Special Agent Caitlin Todd**_

**As much as it pains me to say, I was the new guy at the time and didn't really get an opportunity to get to know you. Why would you want to have anyway? I mean, I'm just the nerdy Autopsy gremlin after all. I never was very good at introducing myself and look awkward at the best of times. You? No, not you. You were the epitome of confidence and managed to get along with everyone easily.**

**I might not have been a friend, or spoken to you much, but I do remember the impact you had on the team. I remember milling about and seeing the interaction between you, Tony and McGee. You all had a flair and a dynamic that meshed really well, it was easy to see why you were all in the MRCT team.**

**My most prominent memory of you all as a team was when Tony contracted Y-Pestis through opening that letter. It was a daunting case for all involved, but the scene in Autopsy put everything in perspective for me. The team camaraderie, the joshing, the way in which you all gelled. It was strange seeing as you were all baiting each other, but underneath I could see that team spirit.**

**Gibbs chastised McGee over not handing him the letter and in true Tony style, he managed to turn it around to blame McGee. You on the other hand, stood up for Tim which was something that needed to be done. You had a cold that day which was unfortunate, but I don't think Tony could have asked for a better person to be with him throughout the ordeal. When you found out you were going with him to Bethesda, of course, you argued the fact. I can still remember the conversation:**

"_**It's a cold. I had it before I came in this morning."**_

_**Ducky told that you were more susceptible to airborne pathogens so you should go with him. It wasn't until Gibbs told you to play it safe that you finally resigned yourself to going.**_

"_**That's safe? How long are we going to have to stay in isolation?"**_

_**It was funny, because you were told at least overnight and your face dropped at that. I had to admit to being amused by Tony's joking about double beds. I think he said something about the crease when you push them together, right before he got a big head slap from Agent Gibbs. As you were leaving, you warned Tony that you didn't feel well and he offered you a foot massage. The last thing I heard you say was:**_

"_**I don't want you anywhere near my feet. I don't want you touching my feet."**_

_**It was the levity that everyone needed in that situation, especially seeing as it rapidly went downhill from that point on. Talking to Tony and McGee, I later learned that you stayed with Tony until the point where he was struggling. You stayed, Agent Todd, despite the risk to your own health, you stayed. That showed courage beyond belief by my book and I respected you for it.**_

_**Huh, guess I have more memories than I first thought because I can remember the day you and Tony walked in arguing about Tony stealing your lunch. The funny thing was the fact that you came down to Autopsy to ask Ducky to be an official mediator. If my memories are correct, when Ducky asked whether Gibbs could do it, you just said "Ooh", with McGee, it was Tony who vetoed that idea because you didn't respect him (or so Tony said) and so you chose the good Doctor. **_

_**I left at that point because we were busy and I had stuff to do. I asked the good doctor what happened after I left and he told me that he advised you to Relish the experience and that he thought it was like giving marriage counseling. Apparently it was over a Tuna fish sandwich of all things and Dr. Mallard said that when he gave you his advice, you were still asking what it all had to do with your sandwich. I think the Dr.'s rendition of what happened was so funny, that it had me giggling for an hour.**_

_**I will never forget that day we lost you and whilst I wasn't really involved, the tension and grief that rolled off of your team mates was overwhelming. I mean, it was bad enough that you were taken from them, but Agent Gibbs and DiNozzo actually saw you die! Something that haunted them for a long time, and still continues to haunt them slightly now. It was strange walking into Autopsy that day and seeing Dr. Mallard looking so forlorn. He was half way through your autopsy and when I walked in, he shoo'd me away, I guess he wanted to protect your modesty, Agent Todd. He's like that and I know you held a very special place in his heart. Once he was done, he called me back and explained the situation to me. Sure, I already knew what had happened, but seeing you laying on the table was too much and I had to walk away from the building to gather my thoughts together. **_

_**I know I've never been part of the close knit group that your team has become; that family. But, that outside position has allowed me to see; allows me to tell you now, that your team learned from you, and still carries parts of what they learned from you; almost as if your words and actions are still echoing in their lives to this day, Agent Todd. **_

_**It took a while for the obvious pain and sadness to fade out of everyone's eyes. When they thought they were alone and the expressions of loss and despair seemed so deeply rooted, is when It was worse. On the occasions that I crossed their paths during these private moments, I always felt slightly shaken at witnessing it. Thankfully, it was always from a distance, so they were never aware that I had seen them at these moments. **_

_**Nevertheless, the residual emotions that your loss brought to them, remained a part of these people that I continued to work closely with. As time passed, there continued to be an underlying layer of emotion that continued to rise to the surface, of course, especially in Agent McGee and it took me a while to pinpoint it as guilt. I don't know why, but I just knew that it was you they were thinking about; I have to say, that I still see it on this very day, year after year and I now understand why much better. I will admit that pain and loss isn't a stranger to me anymore than it is to them. That didn't make it any easier to see and whilst I wanted to comfort them, I wasn't a part of that or the tight circle that you all lived in**_

_**The hardest thing to see, hands down, was seeing McGee sitting back in his chair gazing at your desk. There were nights where I go up to the squad room to drop off reports and as soon as I stepped around the corner, I could see him sitting there just staring at what was your personal space; your small domain within the large office. It was heartbreaking to see and I hope to never bear witness to it again. It was never clear to me why he would have felt guilty for what happened to you. But, then again, no one has ever spoken of that day again. **_

_**I never asked him about it and apparently, he has found a way to push that guilt away; or at least learned to live with it somehow. And the rest of your team has done the same. They've shined, no doubt in part because of what they learned from you.**_

_**Rest in peace, Agent Todd, your NCIS family is well even as they still miss you.**_

_**Jimmy Palmer,  
Assistant Medical Examiner**_

With a sigh, Gibbs stands up and closes the book. He's not one for words and certainly not one to show his emotions, but this is something that he feels compels to contribute to and so, he takes the book and walks out of Autopsy to find the sanctuary and peace that he needs.


	6. Chapter 6

Gibbs feels relief wash over him when he returns the book to Ducky's desk 30 minutes after finding the solitude he needed to write his tribute. Although he would have loved nothing better than to hide out in his "office", that hadn't been an option for several reasons and so had tucked himself away in a seldom used tiny office with a lock on the inside of the door. Apparently, the crisis with the body transport was taking longer than anyone had anticipated and Autopsy is still very much devoid of any kind of life. He places the book back on Ducky's desk and is careful to leave it exactly as he had found it; slightly covered with the paperwork that Jimmy had left behind. Feeling better for having seen more intimately, a glimpse of what has truly been going on in the minds of his team today, he silently vows to give them the space they need to regroup.

Just as he is heading out of Autopsy, Gibbs calls and checks on Ducky to make sure he is alright given the length of time it has taken him to sort out the accident. The M.E. reports that all is well and that he is on his way back to his 'office' with the Marine and will begin the Autopsy as soon as he has everything ready. It's a relief; not only has he managed to get his bounty back where it belongs, but the heavy pit of worry about where his friend was, has lifted. Gibbs is soon heading back to his own desk and sits down in the long since vacated squad room. It isn't long before he is called back upstairs to the Director's office for a chat; a chat that proves to be much ado about nothing which just serves to irritate him. As he heads back down the stairs, movement in his area of the squad room brings his own movements to a complete standstill. He is thankful for the dark shadows that have been cast on the dreary afternoon and watches silently as his Forensic Scientist returns the book to Tony's desk and slips it back beneath the stack of work still taking up space there.

Gibbs is thankful that it has been relatively easy to keep his team busy and away from their desks today by having them chasing down people of interest to the case, following leads and in McGee's case, staying on top of the electronic clues they needed. He is still standing there smiling sadly as he watches Abby beating a hasty retreat from the squad room. It's mainly because he knows the reason she is there in the first place and can only guess at what kind of covert operation has taken place to get everyone's thoughts and memories down in the pages of the book. He himself, is part of that after feeling the need to add to the small tome and completely understands her need to actively express herself within the pages of Tim's book. If anything, reading the words that are now contained within its pages, has brought the affect of Kate's death, front and center in his mind and he has a better understanding of how that day has continued to affect his team.

It has been an unusually quiet day, but Gibbs knows that even if his team had been at their desks today, it would have been stifling for each and every one of them. As each of his agents always strive to maintain the status quo; which in this case, would usually call for keeping everything to themselves, they would have worked extra hard to keep working silently so as to not disturb the others.

The dinging of the elevator brings Gibbs out of his rambling thought and he looks over to see his Senior Field Agent walking out and moving towards his desk. The slump of his shoulders and the look of exhaustion that lines Tony's face, tells Gibbs that his Agent is more than ready to call it a day; something that is highlighted further when Tony see's that he is alone in the squad room and sinks down into his chair and rubs his eyes tiredly with the base of his hand, an action that makes Gibbs think about how impossibly boyish he looks sometimes and shakes his head. For some reason, he is frozen on this very spot on the stairs and watches with curiosity as Tony's hand moves down and comes in contact with the stack of papers that partially hides the book on his desk. As he watches, Tony shuffles the papers and uncovers the book fully before opening it once again to the front cover.

Tony sits there and glances over the Dedication before turning to the section that he had written earlier on in the day. He stops when he's reached the point by which he ended earlier and sighs heavily with relief when he sees that there is still room on the pages to add the one memory that he can't believe he's forgotten. He picks up his pen and starts to write furiously as he adds to his tribute.

**Kate, I can't believe I didn't write about this earlier. I guess it didn't fit in to the three categories that I used but they weren't set in stone so I should have just gone ahead and done it anyway. The one thing I have always been grateful for, above all others, is the time that you spent with me in isolation. Not just because it was one of the last moments that we shared, but because you cared enough to stay when you knew I was sick; even if there was a chance that you'd get it yourself. I can't even put into words, how much that meant.**

**You did tell a little white lie though, didn't you? You said you had it too and it wasn't until I spoke to Ducky when I was moved out of that glass cell, that I found out you didn't actually have it and you stayed because you wanted to make sure I had a friend there. **

**Thank you for that, Kate. You made it so much easier for me and I'm just sorry, that you had to see some disease from the dark ages knocking me off my feet like that. I knew then, that you were a true friend and I loved you…..Still love you for that. I can remember when it took hold fully and you were standing by the side of my bed wearing that mask. I remember apologizing for teasing you with the movie references because I know how much they used to drive you up the wall. In true Caitlin Todd style, you replied:**

"**Teased? You've tortured me. For two years all I've heard is John Wayne and Clint Eastwood, James Bond."**

**I couldn't resist one last jibe, sorry about that, and listed all the actors who played James Bond before finally asking the question that had been burning in my mind –**_** "Why are you wearing a mask?"**_

**I couldn't understand why you would need one at the time, but now….Now I do, Kate. Now I do. At the time, you just told me it was because you had a cold and I asked you why you weren't sick. You told me it was because you were stronger than me and when we bickered about it, my lungs rebelled and I could feel myself choking. That's when Brad ushered you out, I heard him telling you to leave as I leaning against Nurse Emma – you remember her, she was hot – as she pounded on my back. Brad helped and I remember glancing over and seeing you crying as you looked through the glass partition that equalized the pressure. You went straight to Ducky and hugged him, but then I was lowered back**__**down and next thing I knew, the boss was there tapping the top of my head and telling me I wasn't going to die.**

**Had I known that was going to be one of my last, poignant moments with you, then I would have said thank you sooner; when you were alive. I didn't and that's something that has stuck with me.**

_**Thank you Kate. For everything.  
**_

Tony sits back and closes his eyes momentarily as the memories of that day and the weeks that had followed it now fill him with a renewed sense of grief and sadness. With a heavy heart, he closes the book and quickly returns it to the place where he found it; In Tim's desk drawer. Tony breathes a sigh of relief when he has returned the book safely and without being noticed, and is able to return to his own desk without any problem or interruption.

From his perch on the stairs, Gibbs can only smile at Tony's movements as well as his completely visible sigh of relief. Taking pity on the guy, the boss remains out of sight until he's sure Tony has settled back into his working frame of mind. Once that time comes, Gibbs finally returns to the squad room and settles down at his desk to go through the reports that have stacked up there.

As Ziva and Tim straggle back to their desks shortly thereafter, their own exhaustion is just as palpable as Tony's. All three of the looked as though they were all ready to drop and so, Gibbs decides to cut them some slack by letting them go home early. He doesn't even wait for them to get comfortable in their chairs before letting them know.

"Pack it in for the day." He announces to the shocked trio and waits for the inevitable second guessing that always comes just after the shock wears off.

The funny thing is, it's always guaranteed to be followed by all three of the packing up their gear lightning fast and heading out before the boss changes his mind and demands that they stay later than late to teach them the woes of not taking what was handed to them without question. Tonight, however, he gets none of that. After the day they've had, even though most of it was handled privately and in their own way; none of them are in the mood to either argue or stay late.

In less than 5 minutes, his team has closed down their work stations, packed up and gone, leaving Gibbs to his own company, save the arrival of his litany of thoughts that have remained at bay all day; except, of course, when he'd let them run free as he'd written them out in Tim's book. He sighs deeply before standing up to get himself a refill of coffee. He has nowhere to rush off to anyway and doesn't want to navigate the rush hour traffic. And so, he settles for the walk to the coffee shop to get away from the crowds rushing out and to stretch his legs. With the end of the day being here, Gibbs doesn't even attempt to hurry back and enjoys the leisurely walk to and from the coffee shop.

Tim heads out with his teammates and wishes them a goodnight as they all go their separate ways in the parking garage. Even Abby, Ducky and Palmer have been given the rare gift of calling it a night at the unheard of hour of six o'clock and he watches as they all walk to their cars. He moves towards his own and gets in, but as he sits there without turning the engine on. He watches the familiar cars pull out one by one but feels no compulsion to follow in their wake.

No, the compulsion Tim feels is, in fact, the complete opposite and he finds himself reluctant to leave and it takes him a while to realize why. In fact, it isn't until a certain memory assaults him, that he realizes that it's more than likely the reason why he is still sitting there. He's forgotten the book he'd gotten for today and brought in this morning. The very book that he'd specifically dedicated to Kate before this work day began. He climbs out of the car and retraces his steps until he is back in the squad room and sitting back down in his chair so that he can access the book easily.

As he opens the drawer and takes out the item that contains his thoughts and memories, he is struck by how different it feels. During the course of the day, it seems to have lost its newness and if at all possible, it feels heavier.

_How is that even possible?_

It's the one question that he just doesn't have the answer too, but his gut is telling him that something has changed with the book and in the time it has taken between putting in his drawer earlier this morning and pulling It out now, at the end of the day, something has happened to make it different. With a feeling of trepidation, he opens it and carefully looks it over from the very first page.

It's not long before he engrossed in the pages that he has written earlier on in the day, but once he reaches the end, he notices that the page isn't crisp like it should be, no, in fact the corner curls slightly as if it has been turned and more than once. He plays with the little corner for a few seconds and turns the pages, only to have his breath catch in his throat at what he saw.

_Well, that certainly explains the difference._

He flicks through the pages because he is all of a sudden driven to see what other additions had been made. When he gets to the last page, he realizes that every member of the team, including Ducky, Abby and Jimmy have written something and it's that knowledge that makes him sit back, turn to the beginning and read every entry, word for word.

He has to admit, that the awe and raw emotional overload he feels is unexpected and tears at him in a way that he is thankful to have a team and friends as wonderful as the ones he has. Each entry is immensely personal and heart-wrenching and act as its' own beautiful tribute to Kate. Everyone from Tony all the way down to Jimmy has added a piece of their heart and soul to Kate within the pages of this now priceless book that he knows without a shadow of a doubt, is no longer just his for the keeping, It's theirs to cherish and hold close to their hearts as much as he does at this very moment in time.

Tim is blown away at Tony's unburied tribute, including his obvious afterthought about one of the nicest things Kate did for him, staying with him in isolation when he had the plague; at Ziva's heartfelt contribution, despite her obvious unwillingness to do so in a manner she so clearly considers to be intrusive; at Abby's outright sense of continued sisterhood through her memories of Kate; of Ducky's continued personal battle with his own measure of grief at Kate's death; and even of Jimmy's unexpected contribution and admittance of his personal mission to watch over them all, even from the distance he always keeps.

As he comes to the end of Jimmy's thoughts and words to Kate, tears have already been slipping down his face for a while and Tim realizes that there's even more to read, if the wear of the pages is anything to go by…._how did he skim past that when he flicked through earlier?_ Gently, he lifts the next page and again, feels his breath hitch at what he has uncovered. _Gibbs!_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Courage is endurance for one moment more…**_

**-Unknown Marine Second Lieutenant in Vietnam**

Tim reads the quote and vaguely remembers it from somewhere. It strikes him that it is just fitting that Gibbs had chosen this as his memorial quote to Kate; after all, she'd jumped in front of a bullet for him before getting right back up again and brushing it off…right before Ari fired the kill shot that took her from them. He looks up and wipes at his eyes before turning his gaze back to the piece that Gibbs had written.

**First time I worked with you ( I would do the first time I met, but the day as a whole meant more. I'm sure McGee won't mind; will you McGee?)**

Tim grins at Gibbs' comment and shakes his head.

"No Boss, I don't mind at all." He lets his eyes carry on down the page and is soon engrossed in Gibbs' entry.

**This isn't easy for me Kate, as you well know. I have no idea what I'm supposed to write or even if it's the right thing to do. But, and that's a big but, I kind of know that this means a lot to Tim, who started this tribute to you. You were the only one who's ever called him that with any regularity. I admired that about you. Doing things differently never bothered you. I know it meant a lot to him.**

**Anyway, the first time I met you was on Air Force One. Huh, I don't want to sound repetitive here, but you were a bright one, Kate. I always remember the look on your face when you told me that I wasn't an M.E. assistant. You were right, I wasn't. **

**As the case went on, it became more obvious of how much you were putting on the line to help us out. I will admit, I knew you weren't supposed to do what you did, but I needed the inside scoop and you were the one person who could give it to me. I have no idea what you thought of me then, but I do know, that the looks you sent my way, were territorial to a fault despite the fact that I collected your….well you did puke into an evidence bag for me.**

**Anyway, a lot happened during the course of that case, but the one thing that stands out in my mind is the night that we all went our separate ways. I caught up to you walking away from the crime scene and can still remember that conversation, word for word, to this day.**

_**Me: "I heard you quit, Agent Todd."**_

_**You: "Happy news gets around fast. Yes, I resigned. It was the right thing to do." It was so matter of factly and had the bluntness that I already liked and respected in you.**_

_**Me: "Yup. Pull that crap at NCIS. I won't give you a change to resign."  
You: "Is that a job offer?"**_

**You looked so damn shocked, that I got in the car and laughed at the look on your face. Even though it was dark out, there was enough lamp light around that I still got to see your expression. It was a picture, but it was the best decision I ever made, Kate and you were an outstanding Agent.**

_**Funniest Moment**_

**I owe McGee a head slap for this heading. Do me a favor and remind me to give him one next time I see him. Nevermind, the shock of finding my input here in the first place will probably be enough. Just hope I'm there to see his face.**

**There's so many funny memories here Kate. How to pick the one that stands out?**

**Ok, a short and sweet one to start off with. You remember Tony falling asleep in the car? You'd never experienced my way of waking him up before so I thought I'd introduce you to it. You told me you'd wake him up but I told you I had a better idea. I slammed on the breaks and Tony jerked awake looking scared out of his wits. You know, I expected some kind of witty comeback, but no. You looked at Tony and asked with a laugh "Bad dream, Tony?" It was the amusement and chuckle that got me and even though I'm a stony faced marine that earns the second B in his name everyday, it still made me smile.**

**Second (and last). You remember this was earlier in the same case, where McGee id'd that strip joint, Teaz I think it was called. Well, I remember the conversation trailing to hot dancers and that was it. You were watching Tony carefully and just as he was going to tell McGee something, you just stared at him, making him ask what you were looking at him like that for. You just calmly said "Oh, I'm just waiting for you to say**_** "Boss, let me take the lead on this one."**_

**It was a classic comment from you, and I've gotta tell you, hearing those words coming from Tony's mouth a couple of minutes later with that pause that said he knew he'd been busted was priceless. That was one of the times where I let my guard down and let myself laugh with you about it. **

**The day you...No! The day I let you down – and lost you**

**What can I say. It was the worst day of my damn career. I remember you being like a pitbull when it came to protecting me and I couldn't even do that for you.**

**You made sure I wore a vest; you slept on the floor of the squad room; hell, you jumped in front of a bullet for me on that rooftop, just minutes before that. You did everything for me and I failed you in the biggest way. I should have seen it coming but didn't. You stood up and we were talking. You snapped back a reply to Tony and smiled when we told you you'd done a good job but….But Ari had other plans and fired that Lapua Full metal Jacket, bang centre in your forehead. You went down and I just knew that there was no way you were getting up again. It broke my heart Kate and damn near tore me apart from the inside. What worse? My grief and guilt wouldn't let me live it down and I actually remember seeing you so angry and demanding answers about what had happened as I sat alone at my desk trying to process what had just happened. That conversation still haunts me to this day, Kate.**

**You:**_** "Why me Gibbs." **_**You were standing there with that bullet hole in your forehead asking me a question that I just couldn't answer. It was when you asked**_** "Wasn't stopping one bullet for you enough?" **_**that really undid me. I didn't have the answer for you then. I still can't answer that Kate, I just can't.**

**You asked me why you died instead of you. The only answer I can give you is the same one as that night; I don't know. I know I didn't answer your question of why you died instead of me and the only thing I can say to that is; I wish it had have been me. But, we both know that it wasn't meant to be. I've had to learn to accept that and haven found the strength to live with it to, to show your teammates that it's okay to keep going.**

**Kate, I'm sorry and yes, it is a sign of weakness, but in some situations It's not. This is one of them.**

**You were a damn fine agent Kate, and a damn fine woman. I do miss you and there isn't a day gone by that I don't wish that there was something that I can do to make it up to you. **

**Thanks for the two years you gave, they'll never be forgotten**

**Semper Fi**

**Gibbs**

**P.S. I can just hear you now, Kate, asking me if I've gone soft with all this touchy feely stuff that just isn't me. Don't make me reach up there and head-slap you. Once in a while it doesn't hurt to let it out. Okay, I'll admit it, I got caught up in the memories. After all, five years is a hell of a long time to be holding' them in, don't ya think? Besides, you and I both know Tim can be trusted to keep this just between us. **

****

**

* * *

**

Tim feels tears of shared pain and sadness roll down his cheeks before closing the book. There's so much to take in and process and even though he's known all along that the rest of his team have never stopped feeling Kate's loss, this is still hitting him like a huge shock wave. The last thing he ever expected was to see his teammates write in his book and record their emotions and memories forever. It's overwhelming but beautiful. But, the biggest shock of all is that Gibbs has done so, as well, and with such deep open honesty.

As he brings the cover down on the book, he notices the obvious sign that there is more hidden within the pages, that he's missed. He lets his fingers run down the pages to the gap that tells him that there is some other addition that has been made and finds loose pages from some other source, tucked into it, securely enough, they hadn't even been noticed before, much less fallen out. Tim gently picks up the loose pages feeling unsure of what it is he's found; He opens them and feels his heart stutter with shock….._Kate's sketches!_

While he's never seen these particular sketches before, he has seen her work, they all had. She was a great artist, although rarely allowed herself the pleasure, at least around the team, anyway. As he looks at each page, he finds there is one sketch he remembers seeing her work on. It was the one of Tony laid back in his chair behind his desk, with sunglasses on as he carelessly chatted away on the phone.

Kate had been working on that very sketch the morning Tony came back from his two weeks of recovering from the plague. That was the same day the three of them had almost been killed by the car that had been rigged to explode. It was the beginning of the end. The case that had taken Kate from them before it was over, just a few short days later.

Fresh tears found their way to Tim's eyes, as he marvels at Kate's work; her attention to detail, her vivid re-creation of who they all had been to her. The very fact that Gibbs has decided to share them, with him, of all people, squeezes Tim's heart and does what nothing else has ever managed to do, allows him to begin to let go of the burden of guilt that he's carried with him all these years. After all, if the boss can freely share this much of himself with Tim, it has to mean that the only person still blaming Tim is Tim himself. Suddenly, he gets it. There is no more place for guilt in any of this. It's past time to let even the last ideas of that long misplaced emotion go.

With so much emotion and so many memories now enclosed within this book, one thing is clear to him. This book is no longer his, alone. Now, it is all of theirs to look back on and cherish. Wiping his eyes, Tim decides that the first thing he needs to do is secure Ziva's contribution and in a way that will show her that she has nothing to feel badly about. With careful precision, he trims up her written pages and completely tapes them onto their own blank pages.

Likewise, with the sketches, Tim sets about securing them into the book as well. But, for that, he chooses to boot up his computer and scan them into the system, using a program that allows him to crop them and resize them, he fixes them so that they can be better fit into the book in a way that they will be one with it. After he's printed them off, and done what needs to be done to affix them into the book, he looks back through the pages, and smiles a sad smile of appreciation mixed with the grief that had started this process to begin with. Then, Tim gets up from his chair and takes the book from his desk heads to the back elevator, with the book in his hands.

From his place just out of sight, Gibbs has watched Tim's return to the squad room. As the young man settles into his chair and processes the realization that something is different with his book; the expressions that filter through his expressive eyes, tells the story as no words ever could. The impact of his teammates writing down their own memories and pieces of their souls is expected; the tears, however, are not. Watching Tim read through the book is tough. Gibbs knows what's in there and it was tough for him to read through, so he knows it's hard for his agent as well.

Even so, it's when Tim obviously realizes that Gibbs has written in the book as well, that the young man's eyes truly express the depth of his shock and awe. When Tim finds the sketches and fresh tears once again begin to trail down his face, Gibbs finds his own face suspiciously wet. The defining moment for the young man, comes when he has obviously given himself time to really think about the sketches he's repeatedly sifting through. Gibbs can see it in his eyes; that moment when it hits his agent, that Kate's work wasn't just placed in the book by Gibbs because of what they've meant to the boss all this time. They were being shared with Tim, as a symbol of accepting what was and moving on.

Gibbs forces himself to remain still and let Tim handle this in whatever way he needs to and is really not surprised when the young man takes care to insure that both Ziva's writing and Kate's sketches are made permanent parts of the book. As he watches Tim take the book and head to the elevator, Gibbs feels the need to go after him and make sure he's all right.

Tim takes the elevator down to Abby's lab and wastes no time in going directly to his destination. The glass display case that Abby set up down here for Kate, has no room on the inside for the book, but that's not a problem because if it were to be placed inside, no one would be able to read it without having to go through the trouble of getting it out and putting it back in when they were done. No, the space for this priceless treasure is already available and it's right on top.

Suddenly, Tim realizes that Gibbs didn't add his personal pain and contribution to this book for anyone else to be privy to it. The man's p.s. at the bottom of his writing gave truth to that. There's a good chance he won't appreciate this decision. As he stands in front of the case, Tim stands the book upright and only slightly open, just to see how it looks sitting among the other tributes to Kate. He steps back and looks it over one last time but doesn't walk away yet because he's fairly sure this is no longer the right thing to do. He knows it's right for his teammates but for Gibbs? Tim won't betray the man's need for privacy like this He reaches to take the book back off the shelf…

"That's a good thing you've done, Tim." Gibbs' quiet reassurance reaches him from the doorway.


	8. Chapter 8

"You don't mind?"

"Should I?" Gibbs countered Tim's question with one of his own. He didn't mean for to sound gruff, but the quiet question from his agent has thrown him slightly.

"No I….It's just…your bit at the botto….."

"Don't worry about it. It won't hurt for them to see me admit I'm human." Gibbs clamped his hand down on Tim's shoulder momentarily and reaches up to take book down off the cabinet.

"Boss?"

"This is a pretty powerful memorial. What made you do it this year and not the others?"

"I don't know. I guess I just felt as though I had to do something and it just felt right somehow. It was only supposed to be for me to write down my thoughts because…" Tim paused and gently took the book from Gibbs. "This was the only way I could get things out."

Gibbs nods and leans back against Abby's computer desk. "Figures. You read it?"

"Yeah. I don't know what to say, it wasn't expected."

"No. But it's all the more special for it. You did good."

Tim is startled by the quiet praise and his mind wanders back to the contribution Gibbs allowed himself to make. Shame soon follows suit at the thought of everyone writing down their thoughts, after all, he hadn't planned on the rest of the team joining him in this endeavor; he'd never even asked them if they wanted to.

"Boss, I don't… I didn't…" He mentally kicks himself for the stammering that seems prevalent in this conversation.

"I know, Tim. Trust me, I know." The boss soothed. "Doesn't matter."

"How can it not matter that I didn't even ask them? I don't understand. How could I have done a good thing when I didn't do anything?" Tim's brow furrowed with confusion as he stands there trying to work it all out.

"McGee. Can't you just take my word for it?"

"Um. Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. It's just…..." Tim's answer is subdued and quiet making Gibbs eye him warily.

"What's the problem?"

"I should have asked them."

"Why?" Gibbs finds himself putting his coffee mug down so that he can fold his arms. "Who was it supposed to be for?"

"Boss?"

"Originally. Who was the book for?" Gibbs stands and watches as a myriad of emotions flicker over Tim's face.

"Kate."

"Wrong."

"Who else?" Tim's cocking his head at the answer and tries desperately to think of who else it can be for. "Boss…"

"You. Damn it, McGee. The book was for you. No one else was gonna see it, right?" The exasperation in Gibbs voice is palpable and rings through the un-usually quite office.

"Well, yeah. But they did." Tim shrugs "And I'm glad they did, it's just… I didn't ask them if it was alright. I didn't want to burden them about today."

"Have they ever asked you? How many times have they come to you and said 'Hey McGee, is this okay?'"

"Never. What's the point, Boss? I mean, I don't mean to be rude, but I don't get it." Tim rubs his eyes and walks back towards the cabinet and gazes in at the wonderful shrine that Abby has created.

"Everyone handles this day in their own way, McGee."

"I know, Boss."

"Then why would you suddenly feel guilty for dealing with it in your own way again this year?" Gibbs has got no idea what is going on in his agent's mind at the moment and wants nothing more than to figure this out.

"I guess, seeing everyone have something to add, has made me aware that maybe we shouldn't have been trying to do it alone."

"Doesn't make you responsible."

"Yeah. You're right, Boss. Thanks." The fact that Tim's tone is too quiet, alerts Gibbs and gives him an inkling of what exactly is going on with this young man. If he's right, then it's an easy fix. If he's wrong however, it could plant a seed of doubt in the man's mind and cause him to start suffering from anyway.

"Tell me something, McGee."

"Okay."

"Have you figured it out?"

"Figured what out, Boss?"

"That it doesn't belong to you." Gibbs watches the confused emotions flicker over Tim's face.

"What doesn't?"

"I know what survivor's guilt looks like, Tim. I've carried it around myself a time or two." The emotions on the younger man's face shift from confused to something else altogether, which tells Gibbs that he's hit the nail on the head.

"Boss?"

"You've made sure that you don't carry it with you everyday and it's obviously gotten easier for you over the years. I'm just wondering if you've realized that it was never yours to begin with."

"No. It never crossed my mind that it wasn't, Boss." Tim admits quietly.

"Why not?" Tim doesn't notice the way in which Gibbs is eyeing him; it's not a wary eye, it's one of concern. If the kid is still carrying survivor's guilt about with him after all this time, then why hasn't he noticed?

"You taught us not to believe… Thought we didn't believe in coincidence?" Tim stammers

"Ah, Right. Okay. So then you just figured out how to hide it better? Or, have you actually let it go?"

"It never completely goes away, come on, Boss. You know that. It's always there in some way or another." Now that Tim is finally squeezing that last little bit of his feelings out, he's starting to feel the burden lift and feels lighter than he does in a long time.

"Yeah, you're right. I do know what you mean. Which brings us back to the fact that what you did with this book, was a good thing."

"Boss, I didn't do anything. At least, not deliberately, anyway." Tim realizes that he is still holding the book and reaches up to place it back on top of the glass cabinet. "It was all just…I'm just happy it worked out."

"You brought it down here so the team could continue to share their memories with each other, didn't you?" Gibbs watched as Tim straightened the book and stepped back before turning to face him.

"You don't mind, even though yours are in there, too?"

"Nope."

"I feel honored that you're willing to do that, Boss. I mean as far as you knew, what you wrote would have stayed between you and I. I would have kept it just between us, always, Boss."

"I know."

"I miss her, Boss." Tim sighs heavily and runs a hand through his hair. "Its just so hard, knowing that I lived when she was….was taken from us."

"I get it, McGee, but all we can do is carry on. Not just for her, either. You can't live like that. You have to do it for yourself. It is _your_ life."

"_How cruelly sweet are the echoes that start. When memory plays an old tune on the heart_." Tim replies by quoting something that he'd read years ago and has stuck with him.

"Huh? I know that one. Who said it?"

"Eliza Cook. Boss, Kate's left echoes with all of us and we take them forward every day so that we can use them to our advantage. What if we don't do her justice?"

Gibbs doesn't know what to say, and so he gets up and places his hand firmly on Tim's shoulder once again.

"Just gotta keep tryin', McGee."

_FINIS_

* * *

_**MY DEEPEST APOLOGIES TO MY WONDERFUL CO-AUTHOR FOR THIS STORY - SHELBYLOU - YOU DID AN AWESOME JOB!**_

I am so sorry, I did not list your shared authorship on this - before now. Here's hoping that doing so here, will let everyone know, of your wonderful work.


	9. Episode List

**Tim's Memories:**

Sub Rosa  
See No Evil  
Twilight  
Kill Ari Part I  
Witness  
Call of Silence

**Tony's Memories:**

Yankee White  
Marine Down  
Twilight  
S.W.A.K.

**Abby's Memories:**

Hung out to Dry  
Caught on Tape

**Ducky's Memories:****  
**Yankee White  
Twilight  
Bikini Wax  
Kill Ari Part I

**Jimmy's Memories:**

S.W.A.K.  
Bikini Wax  
Twilight

**Gibbs Memories:**

Yankee White  
Pop Life  
Twilight  
Kill Ari Part I


End file.
